Upscale Domestic Violence
http://thekojonnamdishow.org/shows/2010-04-26/upscale-domestic-violence
The term "domestic violence" doesn't typically bring to mind million-dollar homes and Ivy League degrees. But abuse by a partner doesn't make class distinctions, and so-called "upscale violence" is a problem that is often underreported. We explore the special challenges upper-income victims face in recognizing abuse and getting help.
Guests
Susan Folwell
Private psychotherapist and domestic violence program manager at The Women's Center in Vienna, VA
Sam Bachman
Offender Services Supervisor for the Fairfax County Office for Women and Domestic and Sexual Violence Services
Alan Plevy
founding principal of the firm Smolen Plevy
Kathleen Dumais
Member, Maryland House of Delegates for Montgomery County and an attorney with the firm Paley-Rothman
Comments
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I would like to hear your guests comment on male victims of domestic violence, and the resources (or lack thereof) that are available to them.
My wife and I are both highly educated professionals – each with a Master’s degree and a household income upwards of $100K. We have a daughter. Our household is violent. My wife very aggressively and inappropriately expresses her anger with hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, spitting and throwing things. Just yesterday, she hit me in the face with a tightly wound roll of wallpaper. Police have been called to my household on three occasions – once by me – and my wife has been arrested for resisting arrest in an unrelated incident to domestic violence. I would like to leave with my daughter, but it appears there is no where for us to go. I am in the process of making plans to get out, but am terrified as I prepare to leave (most likely by getting a protective order to stop her abuse) what she will do. I cannot really afford to pay for two separate households, my wife knows this, and also uses my daughter as a weapon in her abuse. I am afraid for my daughter’s long term emotional development.
Two points I would like to make ( I am a survivor)
A. Address Parent Alienation
The kids are poisoned by one parent and most therapists are not prepared to handle this.
( just like therapists missed domestic abuse until recently. Traditionally this was thought to be a couple issue not viewed as a person with a
narcissistic disorder that requires indiv work. IT IS NOT a couple issue)
I could not find a therapist who understood the poison that my kids were feed.
The sessions were always dump on mom and never would the therapists have the guts to
deal with their father
B.
What I have found when giving public talks on this is this common bond and thread with upscale victims:
there is an element of disbelief that no one understands about us.
the victim can not believe this is happening
How could someone who loves me do this to me?
It keeps the victim spellbound for a while --- there are stories of rescue about this - an outreach needs to happen. A rescue
In addition there is
embarrassement about this:
And no one will believe me
If you are educated how could you allow this to happen
I hope you will relate this to your viewers
live in maryland where you have to be separated for a year. he is a partner in a law firm and refuses to leave the home, I am a stay at home mom with no access to any of the finances and cannot afford to leave. I have a child with autism who has to stay home to receive special ed services - also house is set up to protect him....what do I do?
I believe there exists an unfair bias against cases of Domestic Violence where Men are the victims.
My wife and I are a relatively high income family, upwards of $150K and no children between us. She was always emotionally abusive and controlling. She would monitor me through the internet, control me by having me spend the majority of my income on gifts for her (to keep her happy) leaving me with minimal to no money saved for me to utilize. Disempowered me and isolated me from my friends and family. She made her family my only other contacts outside of her and work. After we married she became more and more controlling, then her anger began to turn violent. She would throw things, hit, slap, kick, scratch. I would do what I could to defend myself. This past March she became physically violent with me again and I left the home and began living out of a Motel. 2 days after the incident I reported it to the police and they took photos of my injuries and Ithe following day I filed for an order of protection, State of MD. When we had the final hearing my wifes lawyer made me out to be a liar and that the idea of woman physically assaulting a man was beyond comprehension. I gave my testimony, had photo evidence of my injuries and the police report filed against her but the judge dismissed the case, deeming that I did not have clear and convincing evidence that she abused me. If the shoe was on the other foot I believe the court would have granted her protection. The criminal domestic violence case is scheduled for this July and I am hoping that the State Attorney will be able to meet the burden of proof in order to ensure she is held accountable.
What resources are available for men who are victims of domestic violence, I am already ashamed that I am a victim but the system is tailored to serve women as victims and the Man as the Abuser, this stereotype in dangerous to the system and I personally am very reluctant to get involved with the victim resources that are presented to me.
Male victims and survivors can contact the Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project (regardless of sexual orientation) to help locate gender-inclusive services wherever you may be located. The 24 hour hotline number is 1 800 832 1901.
contact JCADA
Jewish Coalition Against Domestic Abuse
They are a good place to start
301-529-0073 the confidential phone line
Good luck to you
You are not alone!
Also contact
Not to People lIke Us
( google it ) they are full of reasources
Montgomery County Crisis Center
240-777-4000