"Why Have Kids?": Making Motherhood Optional
http://thekojonnamdishow.org/shows/2012-09-27/why-have-kids-making-motherhood-optional
Celebrations of motherhood pervade pop culture, politics and the publishing industry. All this led Jessica Valenti to wonder if American culture allows for only two categories of women: mothers and future mothers. Valenti joins us to take an honest look at why we have kids and how making motherhood a default expectation could be hurting American women.
Guests
Jessica Valenti
Author, "Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness"; founder, Feministing.com
Comments
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Thank you for hosting Ms. Valenti and discussing this topic and her new book. Thank you Ms. Valenti for writing it.
I am a 42 year-old woman, childless by choice (was in a 20 year relationship with a man who also did not want to have kids. Bonus: easier divorce!).
I have fought with doctors and insurance company gatekeepers (male and female) trying to get sterilized for 20 years, only to be told, "You'll change your mind," because, obviously, my biological need to utilize my uterus for it's god-given intention would kick in and overwhelm my poor, confused girlie brain. (It hasn't happened yet.)
But actually, I actively do not want to be a parent. I am tired of being treated like a freak or abnormal because I have the audacity to think for myself and challenge social norms that would require me to live a life that would make me miserable. (And probably not be best for any unfortunate offspring born to me.)
I hope we are moving to conversations about what it means to be a parent, why one might and might not want to be a parent, and under what circumstances one might and might not want to be a parent. I want all children to be wanted and raised by parents who have given some thought for what they've signed up for (including all of the unknowable situations that they can never even begin to imagine).
And please, let these conversations lead us to a collective understanding that not everyone wants to be or should be or can be a parent and that they are not less of a person -- woman or man -- because they do not have children or do have children.
--AJ
College Park, MD
Kojo:
I am now 65 and still having a great time in my life being "Auntie" to the children and grandchildren of my friends, colleagues and family. For those that I mentor, they call me TFG or "The Fairy Godmother," with that well-placed telephone call to get something done for them or get them good information about an issue. I chose that role. Rather than reproduce a personal village of 1-2 kids, I would rather open my world, my arms, my scope and expertise to be a part of the village that it takes to help raise other people's children. Nothing in the world is like receiving a call that starts out: " Fairy Godmother, can you give me some advice on 'X' ?". Afterwards, I get to have a rum-and-Coke and laugh like heck!
Kate
Thank you for airing this much needed topic.
Hello,
It drives me crazy the discussion about guilt and motherhood, etc.
My mother in Cuba worked her heart out for us. Imagine that: Outside of the house, of all things!
It wouldn't even occurred to us to conceive of the idea that my mother was doing something wrong. Oh, and she certainly was not feeling guilty about anything. We were dirt poor, but we all finished the university, an earned advanced degrees, etc.
I have two daughters and I do not feel guilty about anything. Even the conception of me feeling guilty for having a life, besides them annoys me for myself and for them. What is it we should feel guilty about, exactly? Working, having a career, enjoying dates with - oh, my gosh - our husbands, reading a book, drinking a glass of wine? Particularly, after we paid for the piano, gymnastics, and theater lessons and took them to all of those.
Isn't that what we want them to aspire to? A career... and that old fashion thing of a room of their own?
Guilty motherhood is as first world as menopause. I always wondered, after arriving here, why the women I knew in Cuba - or the many I have met throughout Latin America - don't have that terrible menopause Americans suffer from. Now I know: my mom and the rest of the women walking three miles for water don't really have time for it.
I am a full time stay at home mom with 4 kids - by choice! I never would have guessed at the beginning of my parenting journey that I would ever have or even want to have 4 kids but to my shock I found I actually loved being a mom and having a big family ended up being a natural and joyful surprise. In general I think people assume that stay at home moms are shallow traditional and old fashioned. On the contrary I feel like there is so much dignity and honor in being home with my kids and I don't feel at all that I am wasting my time focusing this phase at home. My working friends assume that I'm desperate for an identity or a "break" but honestly I don't feel like that. Perhaps it's because I did so much before becoming a mom (lived and travelled all over the world, got my masters degree in Chinese etc) I am enjoying this time home and I don't feel like it makes me less of a person.
I also wanted to say that one reason why I wanted to make the choice to stay home full time is to make our life less than a rat race all the time. Me being home means our evening and weekends together are more about spending quality time together rather than tag team parenting to get the normal chores of a household done.
I wanted to add a comment regarding so called child free zones. Ms. Valenti apparently disagrees with the airlines and/or other businesses policies to have child-free zones. Why is that? If s child has a right to eat and sleep in public don't people on long overnight flights have a right to have naps, too? Imagine when your child is asleep I start tugging his/her sleeve and screaming into his/her ear? That's exactly what tired stressted children do.
If Ms. Valenti considers them persons with the 'adult' rights, they need to comply with adult's rules of conduct and responsibilities.
Until then I welcome child-free zones in theaters, clubs, concerts, airlines to name a few.
For the record - I am a working mother of two, now thankfully grown up children.
Such a fantastic, important topic! Thank you Kojo!
I am 37 years old and still waiting for my biological need to have children to kick in -- which has lead to chronic paranoia that my biological clock is broken. The cultural expectation has made me question whether I am somehow less of a woman because I appear to be lacking the gene that drives people to nurture and care for other human beings. I am genuinely worried that not wanting children is going to be the biggest mistake of my life. You can see the look of pity in people's eyes when they learn that you are 37, married, and childless -- because something must be wrong with you (either mentally or physically). I am actually a little bit ashamed that I don't want kids. I want to want them. But because of my age, that window is closing fast, and so I chronically worry about what I am going to miss out on.
re: Isabel Manuela ...
Can not agree with you more.
I have worked all my life. Children went through daycares, extended days in school etc. Being a fiercely independent feminist in practice, I am not feeling warm and fuzzy about the notions like 'guilt-ridden mothers. I am a person, children are a huge part of my life, but only a part. They have known it from day 1 and respected it.